Dear Diary

 This was my diary entry the day before I was informed that I was being offered a position at a hospital in New Zealand. 

"Today, on my way into work, I had a conversation with God. It was earnest. It felt a bit distant at first. Over the last few years, I have felt an increasing distance between myself and God that has been unsettling. I spoke to Him earnestly and reminded Him and  myself that I still  believed He was there. I reminded Him that I still remember all of the times that His presence  has been obvious and evident in my life's most major  events. With all of the world's hate, I have admittedly become bitter. I have become angry at God for  sitting back and allowing  so much evil. I have become angry at God for allowing one race to always be the brunt of hate and oppression. I am sick of it. 

That being said, I know that our move to NZ is not going to happen without Him. He has the power to bless or   curse this move- making it proceed or preventing it from happening. I  didn't want to come to  Him simply out of fear, or because I just wanted to cajole Him,  kiss up to Him. I didn't want to be disingenuous. This is why my prayers to God  about this move have not been frequent. I only want to come  to Him when I genuinely  am able to praise Him for His many blessings first before asking for anything. 

This morning was one of those moments. Randy has been encouraging me to have more faith . He is right of course. He has been reminding me that if this is to be it will be and that maybe instead of praying in desperation, I should pray with gratitude.  

So , I prayed this morning. I spoke with God and reminded him of my gratitude and  also of the desires of my heart.  Then, while at work, I realized that today was Palm Sunday. In my attempts to formulate a nice FB post, I decided to  read Mathew Chapter 21 to  see if I could find some bible verses that speak to me and support my feeling at the time, that so many Christians wouldn't know Him if he rode into town today because they have so warped  Him in their minds and to the world. 

What I got was far more inspirational and encouraging. It is as though God heard my prayers and directed me to His response.  While I did see  examples of Him  standing up for justice in this chapter, what  I also saw was Him promising His disciples  about the power of  their faith. 

Chapter 21- Jesus replied, "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"

I was floored when I read this. I  was immediately moved to tears. For the first time in years, I felt the  close presence of God that I was soooo used to walking around with and had sorely missed.  It was  so warm and powerful and  calming.  I  have no doubt that   my family and I will be moving to NZ this year. I  know that there are phone calls and emails about to happen. I finally received the answer that I have been seeking- that God has said yes.  This is strange because I truly believe that He is the one who spoke to me and told me to  "move" , the same way He'd told me "move" before. Every time  I listened and followed I was blessed with the change. Yet, somehow , I had started to second guess if this move was truly as anointed  as the others.  

I no longer feel as though I am fighting somewhat contrary to His will- a fear of mine as this process has dragged on way slower than I would  like.   Randy was right. It wasn't a patience problem I was  having. It was a faith problem. 

Praise God! Praise Him that I can still feel His presence and I can still hear His voice. Praise Him. Thank you  Jesus! Now, I am truly ready to leave.  As Adama  tells me- "It is already done" 

AMEN "