Stages

 

Some weeks ago we had the first of many yard sales. This was after what felt like a successful interview but  before I found out that I was offered the job. We had the kids go through their rooms and clean and make the decision of what toys they would put into two bins that we provided them that they would like us to ship on the container to NZ. 

We sold what was in good condition and threw away a lot of junk.  This was a "things are getting real" moment for the kids and it gave them the opportunity to feel all the feels and go through the stages between excitement and trepidation, of looking forward as well as missing what they are leaving behind. They love their rooms. 

They all did a great job. 

Family Ties

I have often been asked about how my family, outside of my husband and kids, feel about our decision to move away from the United States. 

This answer comes in stages. 

FIRST- Years of me expressing to my siblings and parents my dissatisfaction and my angst. Years of them agreeing with me. Years of me saying that we will most likely move. Years of them hoping that I wouldn't actually do so. 

SECOND- I announce that Randy and I were closer than we'd ever been to leaving, but may stay based on how certain events in politics went. Them saying that they hope those events go my way then so we can stay.

THIRD- Randy and I realizing that single political events would not change the reasons why we wanted to leave in the first place and that regardless of the outcome, the right thing for us to do would be to leave 

Shock. I had to remind them of our countless conversations and my many warnings when I was asked "why so sudden?"

Rationalizing. "Every country has problems". "There is racism everywhere".

 Out of all of my siblings (I am the eldest of 5), I have been the one most involved in activism and fighting for equity in education and medicine. I have been the one most up close to the perpetrators and propagators of White supremacy. As a high achieving Black woman, I had been front row to as many permutations of micro and macroaggressions America has to offer, yet I was the one being asked if I was sure. I was being asked to explain what I meant by "psychological impacts" of growing up in this country. 

I had to remind some of my siblings that not only does my title of doctor not protect me from the Black experience, but that it puts me more in the cross hairs due to always being "the only one". I found myself having to explain why my children are not as protected as they would imagine they'd be from the things that we endured growing up. Being multiracial in this country comes with its own set of pitfalls. 

I had to remind my family of all of the parts of my identity that is affected here (see prior posts). I had to make my family truly see me. In the process, they needed to remember and acknowledge that they already knew my reasons because they too have been affected in similar ways. 

I expected to hear that they didn't want me to leave because they love us, would miss us etc. 

What I didn't expect was that I would have to explain to my family as to the Why. 

My entire life I have always been level-headed, thoughtful in my decisions, rational. I have also always done what I said that I would do. At three I told my family I would be a doctor. I accomplished that with determination and grit and the support of my parents as well as the grace of God. I said that I was going to start my family although I was in residency training and I did that, and excelled nonetheless. I have never been afraid to do the hard thing, and yet, I found myself reminding my siblings and my parents that they have never seen me make a rash decision. 

Petitioning.  I should stay to continue the fight. I should stay because my trajectory was easily heading for political positions. I should stay so that I could continue to use my voice to make this country a better place.

Everyone could think of what I could do for the good of this country, but they couldn't come up with a list of what only this country could do for me.  

FOURTH- after tension, many times of answering questions and explaining myself, them seeing my resolve and determination, watching the news and finding a loss for any solid reason for me to stay, acceptance came. 

FIFTH- Resignation. Acceptance. Support. 

My parents made a huge sacrifice to give up their careers and move 5 children to a new country for the promise of opportunity. I am forever in their debt. My decision to move does not mean that they made a mistake. I have the means to make this move because of what I was able to accomplish here. 

I love my family and thank God for zoom and airplanes. We are all entitled to seek our joy. 

[I did have some family that were excited and accepting from the very beginning]

This country is full of promise and I pray that one day it really lives up to that promise for all of its people

Dear Diary

 This was my diary entry the day before I was informed that I was being offered a position at a hospital in New Zealand. 

"Today, on my way into work, I had a conversation with God. It was earnest. It felt a bit distant at first. Over the last few years, I have felt an increasing distance between myself and God that has been unsettling. I spoke to Him earnestly and reminded Him and  myself that I still  believed He was there. I reminded Him that I still remember all of the times that His presence  has been obvious and evident in my life's most major  events. With all of the world's hate, I have admittedly become bitter. I have become angry at God for  sitting back and allowing  so much evil. I have become angry at God for allowing one race to always be the brunt of hate and oppression. I am sick of it. 

That being said, I know that our move to NZ is not going to happen without Him. He has the power to bless or   curse this move- making it proceed or preventing it from happening. I  didn't want to come to  Him simply out of fear, or because I just wanted to cajole Him,  kiss up to Him. I didn't want to be disingenuous. This is why my prayers to God  about this move have not been frequent. I only want to come  to Him when I genuinely  am able to praise Him for His many blessings first before asking for anything. 

This morning was one of those moments. Randy has been encouraging me to have more faith . He is right of course. He has been reminding me that if this is to be it will be and that maybe instead of praying in desperation, I should pray with gratitude.  

So , I prayed this morning. I spoke with God and reminded him of my gratitude and  also of the desires of my heart.  Then, while at work, I realized that today was Palm Sunday. In my attempts to formulate a nice FB post, I decided to  read Mathew Chapter 21 to  see if I could find some bible verses that speak to me and support my feeling at the time, that so many Christians wouldn't know Him if he rode into town today because they have so warped  Him in their minds and to the world. 

What I got was far more inspirational and encouraging. It is as though God heard my prayers and directed me to His response.  While I did see  examples of Him  standing up for justice in this chapter, what  I also saw was Him promising His disciples  about the power of  their faith. 

Chapter 21- Jesus replied, "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"

I was floored when I read this. I  was immediately moved to tears. For the first time in years, I felt the  close presence of God that I was soooo used to walking around with and had sorely missed.  It was  so warm and powerful and  calming.  I  have no doubt that   my family and I will be moving to NZ this year. I  know that there are phone calls and emails about to happen. I finally received the answer that I have been seeking- that God has said yes.  This is strange because I truly believe that He is the one who spoke to me and told me to  "move" , the same way He'd told me "move" before. Every time  I listened and followed I was blessed with the change. Yet, somehow , I had started to second guess if this move was truly as anointed  as the others.  

I no longer feel as though I am fighting somewhat contrary to His will- a fear of mine as this process has dragged on way slower than I would  like.   Randy was right. It wasn't a patience problem I was  having. It was a faith problem. 

Praise God! Praise Him that I can still feel His presence and I can still hear His voice. Praise Him. Thank you  Jesus! Now, I am truly ready to leave.  As Adama  tells me- "It is already done" 

AMEN "

Wise Words

"True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from" 

Brianna Wiest 

The Push and Pull

 Immigration is not just about what you are leaving, it is about what you are moving toward. 

Its not just about "anywhere but here". At least it shouldn't be. 

As I watched the nation rebel against being led by a Black president and overt hate be more and more accepted, I knew that this country was simply continuing the tradition of White supremacy that it was founded on. In 2016, as the incidences of hate crimes rose exponentially and gaslighting became an Olympic sport and immigrants were villainized and dehumanized even further,  and science was being trivialized and devalued, my soul cried out for a relief to the constant onslaught against every aspect of my identity. 

The increased national awareness of police violence against people of color, the trauma of watching so many Black bodies mistreated, disregarded, not protected has been hard for me and all of my fellow  Black physicians, educators, friends and family. 

I looked at news around the world and came to the conclusion that there was truly no safe place for Black people anywhere on this earth. This may seem like a fatalistic mind set but, once again, if you've been paying attention to life, you would know that it is not an exaggeration

Either we would have to accept lower quality of life to be in a region with better representation, or be OK with always being the only one in order to still enjoy the nice accommodations that I worked hard to acquire here. 

Which country is steeped in political unrest. 

Which country is as committed to human rights violations as the one I want to flee. 

Which country is full of Black and brown people but due to the legacy of colonialism,  is entrenched in colorism that is just as systemic and virulent as the system of white supremacy in the US. 

I felt trapped. I became angry at God for allowing such an egregious situation of inequality against my race. 

I reached out to family and friends who live in Rwanda, Australia, New Zealand, Barbados, Trinidad, Canada, England etc. Although Randy and I had mused to each other many years ago about raising our children in Australia, I found reasons why I would not pick there as my first choice either. 

I began the process of crossing out many countries from my list. 

New Zealand always spoke to me. 

There is no perfect place in this world, and before you say it, I have no delusions of the existence of an Eden, or Utopia in which no conflict could arise. 

There is a difference between individual racist ideas and a system that was literally baked with it being the primary ingredient. I can handle individual conflicts. What is more difficult and exhausting to overcome is a construct created to make it harder for you to succeed. 

So, why New Zealand?

* Aotearoa * 

• Their commitment to following science and protecting the environment 
• Access to healthcare for everyone
• Highly ranked education system
• No ubiquitous access to firearms.
•  Mass shootings are not just a rarity, it is almost unheard of. Most trauma surgeons go decades before ever having to treat gunshot wounds. 
• The unprecedented Christchurch attack a few years ago triggered the kind of immediate gun reforms that we could only dream of in the States. 
• Very low crime rate
• A societal belief in doing right by others and the need to sacrifice some personal comforts for the good of the community. 
• Less consumeristic society 
• I can transfer my medical license over there
• A much less litigious society so no need for the oppressive high cost medical malpractice insurance
• A restorative approach to medical mistakes instead of the desire to ruin careers 
• A physician union
• Belief in a balance between work and life
• Less duty hours 
• More paid time off per year than I get in the US by about double 
• More protected time for non-clinical work so I can review labs and call patients without having to do it on my personal time

• Their history of pro-women policies
• First country to allow women the right  to vote
• Pro Choice policies 
• Allows ample maternity leave and family leave 
• Allows paid time off after pregnancy losses 
• They have a track record of electing women to the highest government offices
• Jacinda Ardern appears impressive but I know that leaders come and go. I look more at the totality of women in leadership in a country. 
• Pro LGBTQ+ policies 
• Their willingness to be open and honest about their past relationship with their indigenous (Maori) population and their commitment in action not just word to decreasing health and wealth disparities between Maori and Pakeha (European Kiwi) 
• Beautiful country
• 
  
  
  
  
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• This island girl wants a place where I can see the water easily. That feeds my soul.
• English is spoken there.
• I am fluent in English and Spanish. I plan on the family learning Maori as well once we get there. 
• A return to the definition of diversity that is not limited to the artificial constructs of Whiteness and Blackness
• What I have found is that people get to keep their ethnic and cultural identity without being lumped into boxes based on the color of their skin. A person from Sweden is seen as different from a person from the Netherlands instead of both of them just being seen as "White". This is important, because in the US, no one cares if you are Trinidadian vs Jamaican vs Nigerian vs Ugandan. You are all thrown into the caste for Blacks. And treated accordingly. 
• Diverse population
• Europeans, people from various African countries, People from East Asia and of course the Maori and Pacifica communities are represented in this small country. 
• A chance for me and our kids to be seen as an individual first, and not in the context of a society that is obsessed with race. 
• I don't want anyone to be color blind. What I also want is that my color is not automatically associated with a long list of lies and myths and negativity that precedes me and makes it hard for people to see me as I truly am. 

Just a small sampling of the result of research and testimony. Just as I have educated myself about the history and culture of America, I believe that it is important to be a well versed member of the society you are in, so I have of course been doing a lot of reading about the history of NZ as well. 

Anyway, putting this here so that I don't have to answer this question a million times :) 

Wise Words

 "If the cost is your peace of mind, then it is too expensive" 

Anonymous

I understand that not everyone who will read my blog will have known me personally. I know that for those who know me and who have encouraged me as I found my activist voice, my decision to leave the United States was a hard pill to swallow. They were happy for me, but sad that I am leaving and sad that I felt that I had to leave.  I am grateful that I never had to explain my reasons to my fellow warriors in the trenches, for they see more up close than most, the forces that are pushing me away from the United States.

I want to go where my family and I are truly valued. Not by a handful of people, but by a system that reflects an acknowledgement of our right to live in happiness and thrive. 

My parents sacrificed so much to bring 5 children thousands of miles away from their homeland. They sought the peace of mind that they believed they would get here. I cannot speak for them. I know that they have expressed no regrets, but they do acknowledge that while they were prepared to work hard, and work hard they did, they did not foresee some of the collatoral damages we all had to withstand in order to succeed. 

Each of us have to define success. I only have one life and one lifetime. After decades of focus, study and delayed gratification, I want my life to be more quality than quantity. I don't want to live a life of futile effort. I want to do good and make the world a better place but not at the cost of my or my family’s sanity or personal well being. 

Representative John Lewis died of cancer. He marched in the streets till the very end. He passed away fighting for the same things that he fought for over 50 years ago when he had his head bashed in by police during peaceful protest.  He was a great man that this country did not deserve. Mr. Lewis believed that the soul of this country could be fixed with the perseverance of good people. He saw this country worth the sacrifice of his youth, strength, effort, voice, and his health. I respect him and all those who came before him and marched alongside him. I can make certain decisions for my life now that I wouldn’t have been able to make if it weren’t for him and those like him. Even with all his optimism though, Mr. Lewis at one point said “The scars and stains of racism are still deeply embedded in the American society”. 

It has been well studied and documented that the psychological stressors that bombard Black people in this country has a physiologic effect that is literally causing us to have certain diseases and die earlier than our white counterparts as well as compared to our Black counterparts in the Caribbean and sub Saharan Africa. Social inequity in general has a harmful effect on the deepest chromosomal levels, regardless of the person’s race. 

The more federal, state and local leaders I have spoken to and plead with; the more deep insight and study of the inner workings of this country I have gained, the more I have been compelled to conclude that the majority of the people in this country, and definitely the majority of people in positions of power all over this land are either not interested in true equity or are not willing to actually get down to the hard work of dismantling systems that are literally killing people. 

I have come to the same conclusion as John Lewis did. I do not want to look back on my life in 50 years and know that while I worked hard and helped others, I did that at the expense of something as important as peace of mind. 

If you know, then you know

No need to spell everything out ad nauseum. Each of the reasons for us leaving that I shared could be expounded on for a hundred pages.

 If you've been paying attention, you should know and understand why we are leaving. I have heard all the lies people like to tell themselves and others as to why I should stay in an unhealthy environment, but thank God for my first ten years. Thank God for a wonderful husband who also had the blessing of growing up outside of this country and who spent most of his formative years amongst such a diversity of race and culture that he never needed a lesson from me. 

I guess it just boils down to- If you know, you know. And, if you are confused, you are not paying enough attention. 

There are 195 countries in this world. Don't fall for the lie that it is impossible to find something better for you than the United States of America. If that is really true, and this is the best that I and my kids can do, then what the hell is the point? 

But Why Though? - Part Two

 Before anyone thinks that our reasons for leaving are solely due to the toxic systemic racism in this country, let me clarify that there are so many other parts of my identity that also scream for a better way. 

• I am a physician who cares for women- has anyone been paying attention to the state of health care and the attacks on women's autonomy over their bodies as well as the hand-tying and criminalization of the physicians who care for women in this country? 
• A country that does not respect its women, also disrespects the people who care for women. 
• Although OBGYNs are surgeons, our specialty is one of the lowest reimbursed surgical specialties in the United States. 
• I am a physician whose expertise, knowledge and experience is devalued on a regular basis. I am constantly swimming  against the avarice of insurance companies and capitalism. 

• I am tired of seeing that not all of my patients have access to quality health care.  
• I am a physician who is tired of cleaning up messes that are made simply because patients weren't empowered with what they needed to prevent the mess in the first place. 

• I am a woman. 
• I am a Black woman. Enough said 

• I am a mother who cares deeply about the quality of education provided in this country. I am disturbed by the whitewashing and omission of truth and facts that has and continues to create an ill-informed un empathetic electorate who lack critical thinking skills. 
• The comfort of the privileged and the need to  preserve the  image of a  powerful and righteous  country is prioritized over the struggles and suffering of the marginalized in our schools. 
• Our children are not given the gift of learning to see the world for what it really is. 
• Education is not valued. Not in funding, not in how those who become educated are regarded
• There is not enough equity in education and many schools use the word as lip service with no true desire to interweave it into the system. 

• I know intimately the psychological toll growing up Black in America had on me  and I see the trauma of living while Black as an adult. I do not want that for my kids. I want to be able to look my kids in the eye and know that when I tell them that their success is dependent on the grace of God, their hard work and perseverance and how they use their talents, that I am not lying. There is no true meritocracy in this country. Just a series of privilege versus inequity. Succeeding "despite of" instead of "because of" comes with a cost. 

• I am an immigrant who struggled and clawed my way to American citizenship. My siblings and I came to this country and succeeded despite years of homesickness. We acquired skills despite hostility and adversity to contribute to this country. I am intimately aware of the important role that immigrants play to the success of this country as well as the hostile attitudes swirling in the ether by politicians and regular citizens alike. My heart breaks to see certain countries labeled as inferior while they possess so many characteristics that this country would benefit from adopting. 
• The definition of "3rd world" and "1st world", as with everything else, is in many ways an arbitrary construct formed by those who see themselves superior. 
• My heart breaks as human rights violations are committed here as the US wags a finger of judgement overseas.

• I am tired of waiting for this country to choose the good of all over the un-regulated rights of the individual. 

• I am a US citizen, who is deeply disturbed by the staggering concentration of mediocrity and malice in positions of power 

Fleeing the damaging, life-span shortening, quality of life threatening, peace of mind stealing environment caused by systemic racism should really be enough of a reason for anyone to leave the U.S, but for me and my family, there is so much more. 

But Why Though?- Part One

Picture this- years of hard work and sacrifice to become a board certified OB/GYN. Years of struggle to become a citizen of the United States. Years of delayed gratification and overcoming the lack of generational wealth that most of my counterparts were able to stand upon. Finally buying our first house. It was to be our forever home. Great location,  Great school district, so I thought. Nice neighbors. The American dream by most immigrant standards, achieved. 

But, was it, though? Did I mention that I am a Black woman in America? Paying closer attention I was able to clearly see that the American dream was not nearly good enough. 

My house is still beautiful- >4500 square feet of more luxury than I or Randy had ever lived in or owned before in our lives. Unfortunately that beautiful home was sitting in a state filled with people who fought against equity, who denied the existence of simple obvious truths, who did not respect science or those who study it. 

Our beautiful home was sitting in a neighborhood of nice people who are polite but are so content to stay in their bubbles that they would only keep you and your kids at arms length. 

Our beautiful home was sitting in a school district that was led by people who said they were committed to doing right by Black and brown and LGBTQ and non-able bodied students but who were so caught up in their own white fragility that they couldn't help but get in their own way. So concerned with how one population of parents felt, they continued to ignore the pain of so many students. 

Our beautiful home was in a flawed state. The flawed state was in a toxic country.

Our beautiful home was sitting in a country filled with so many hateful people brainwashed from years of dehumanization of minorities and the caste system that we had to vet any parents who wanted to make playdates with our kids because we understand how important it is to keep our kids psychologically as well as physically protected.  

It became very clear as I spoke, and protested and petitioned and educated that my state was no different than any other state.

It became clear that simply changing districts or states would not suffice. 

We needed to leave the country. 

Randy and I are not people prone to flights of fancy or reckless spontaneity. None of our decisions have been without deep thought, heart and deliberation. 

The realization that this country would not be the healthiest place for us or our children came over 5 years ago. The decision to finally move more recent. 

It takes a certain level of clarity and courage to identify when something is not right and to leave it.

I debate whether to skim over all of the many reasons why we have decided to move, or let you imagine for yourselves. Frankly, it is exhausting listing all of them. I am understandably asked "why?" every time I have shared my decision with someone. Maybe if I take the time to spell it out on my blog, I could just refer to that and save myself the breath. 

To Be Continued........ 

The First Ten Years

 I always knew that there was something different about how I saw America because of the fact that I was able to see it as an outsider. I have always been grateful for the clarity and perspective that I was blessed with simply by spending my formative years outside of this country. 

My life in Trinidad taught me so many things. It also gave me so many things that I would need to rely on as I grew up in the States. My psyche was packed up with a storehouse of self esteem, self worth, certainty of my potential that I received not only from great parenting, but from the environment in Trinidad itself. Walking around surrounded by Black and brown bodies running schools, government, healthcare, most industries, there was no doubt in my mind that I was capable of doing and being anything that I wanted to be, even amidst the real financial struggles of the country and the tough competition for limited resources. 

Knowing the sweet feeling of not having to constantly fight against a system set up for your failure due to factors about yourself that you could not and would not change, both served to help me identify very quickly when that was not the case here in America, but also has made it hard for me to tolerate indefinitely.

I know that it can be better. I know that it is better. Knowing that there is greener grass somewhere else makes it very hard to tolerate the weeds in your own lawn.